As told by one extremely opinionated Delaware County feline
Greetings, humans.
It is I , the cat who lives in your home, supervises your seasonal décor, and silently judges your life choices from atop the folded laundry.
The holidays have arrived in Delco, which means one thing: your chaos is my enrichment.
I have prepared this festive report so you understand how the season truly unfolds from the superior vantage point of a housecat.
The Great Tree Installation Ritual
Every December, you drag a giant tree into the living room like it’s completely normal. You pretend it’s for “ambience” or “family tradition,” but we both know it’s for me.
The moment that box opens, I slip into my role as Chief Ornament Inspector and Branch Stability Engineer. It is a sacred calling.
If I paw, sniff, bat, or relocate an ornament, please trust that I am performing critical quality control.
You’re welcome.
The Wrapping Paper Extravaganza
Your insistence on hiding gifts inside shiny paper baffles me.
If you don’t want me to sit on the paper, crinkle the paper, shred the paper, or sprint through the paper like Rudolph with the zoomies… then why does it sound so glorious?
And why does it smell like tape and potential?
I don’t make the rules. I simply follow the crinkles.
The Visitor Lottery
Ah yes… the annual parade of relatives.
Every cat knows there are four types of holiday guests:
- The Soft-Spoken Treat Bringer: They may approach. Treats may be accepted.
- The Loud Uncle Who Smells Like Dog: Absolutely not. I will retire under the bed.
- The Cousin Who Tries To Pick Me Up Every Year: Tell them I said, “No. Please see previous years’ memos.”
- The Quiet Aunt Who Pretends Not To Notice Me: My favorite. I will sit near her to show approval.
And yet, through all the chaos, I watch my humans try their best. They clean. They cook. They worry. They forget where they put the tape dispenser (again).
It is exhausting… for me.
The Annual Bag and Box Festival
Let us now address the true meaning of the season: bags and boxes.
Gift bags? Mine.
Amazon boxes? Mine.
That basket you were using for cookies? Also mine.
If it fits, I sits.
And if it doesn’t fit, I still attempt graceful entry.
The Quiet Moments (and My Final Holiday Decree)
Here’s the part you humans forget I see.
The soft glow of the tree at night.
The way you exhale when the house finally quiets down.
The cozy blankets that appear out of nowhere.
The twinkle lights reflecting in my eyes.
The way you slow down just a little bit and sit still long enough for me to curl up beside you.
I like these moments… even if I pretend I don’t.
So, in the spirit of the season, here is my official Delco Cat holiday decree:
May your ornaments survive the season.
May your wrapping paper remain plentiful.
May your visitors be tolerable.
May your tree lights be warm and twinkly.
May your suitcase stay hidden a little longer.
And if you must travel, may you choose the sitter who understands my quirks, calms my nerves, and lets me be the holiday star I was born to be.
I may joke. I may sass. I may knock over exactly one ornament for dramatic effect.
But I know I am loved.
And this season beneath the chaos and crinkle and commotion I hope you feel loved, too.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to return to my position beneath the tree.
It is my shift.
P.S. If this made you smile, feel free to forward it to a fellow cat person.